April 2, 1996
FOX’S TAKE ON VAMPIRES HAS LITTLE BITE, LESS WIT
MIKE DUFFY
Page: 3D
METRO FINAL
‘Kindred: The Embraced’
* out of 4 stars
8 tonight
WJBK-TV, Channel 2, Fox
Spare us the bloody curse of self-important vampires.
“Kindred: The Embraced,” a flamboyantly silly saga of rival clans of vampires living in modern-day San Francisco, takes itself way too seriously.
This portentous odyssey of a supernatural Mafia might be more palatable if the producers exhibited even an ounce of wit. When the subject is vampires, you need a little loopiness to go with the ludicrous premise.
But no such luck with Fox’s dopey “Kindred.”
These five contentious families of new wave neck biters, who embrace their victims — therefore the title — slither onto the Fox airwaves with a movie premiere tonight. They take over their regular spring season time slot at 9 p.m. Wednesday.
The vampires replace “Party of Five,” the exceptional Fox family drama which completed its season run last week. Maybe we should just call this new one “Party of Jive.”
Clunky dialogue sprouts everywhere amid sex and violence.
“I don’t care if your parents were monsters! I don’t care if you’re a hooker from the drug cartel. . . . No one is taking you away from me!” a love-struck homicide cop bellows to his vampire love thing. Unfortunately, Mr. Man fails to give these words the campy twist they deserve.
You’ll also need a scorecard to figure out the night crawling congregations in “Kindred.” It goes like this:
The Ventrue are aristocratic vampires, a Kennedyesque clan headed by Julian Luna (Mark Frankel, “Fortune Hunter”), who is Prince of the Ventrue and supreme ruler of all five clans. Yeah, he’s the moodily handsome Godfather of neck-nosh.
The Brujah are the gun-toting mobsters, big fans of spontaneous mayhem.
The Torreadors, led by curvaceous nightclub owner Lillie Langtry (Stacy Haiduk, “seaQuest DSV”), are the expressive, artistic vampires. Langtry operates The Haven, a favored vampire hangout.
The Gangrels are the rockateen hipsters, bikers and blood- sucking Gen Xers.
And finally we have the Nosferatu, the oldest of the clans, a savage chrome-domed bunch headed by Daedalus (Jeff Korber, “China Beach”).
Naturally, we require a non-vampire hero to battle all that evil. This would be Frank Kohanek (C. Thomas Howell, “The Hitcher”), the homicide cop who is constantly cranked up on pouty indignation.
In future episodes, a tough-cookie journalist named Caitlin Byrne (Kelly Rutherford, “The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.”) will saunter into view and become romantically entangled with Julian Luna.
Aaron Spelling (“Melrose Place,” “Beverly Hills, 90210”), television’s sultan of glossy ultra-schlock, is the producer behind “Kindred: The Embraced.” He has been very busy this mid- season, having already
unleashed the dizzy soap opera burritos “Savannah” (WB) and “Malibu Shores” (NBC).
Because of the show’s self-consciously puffed-up vampire mumbo jumbo, one can imagine a cult following for “Kindred: The Embraced.” Instead of Trekkers, we’ll have devoted Embraceables obsessively deconstructing each overblown episode in cyberspace.
Different vampire strokes for different vampire folks.
Me, I’d rather giggle affectionately and watch “Dark Shadows” reruns. Barnabas Collins was cool. And he didn’t take himself too seriously.
